shit's getting so bleak I'm considering going for a third degree just to have something to do—though if I want to write things I should just do it, nobody's stopping me from writing a thesis on my own (I can and I will) about whatever I choose. I do miss the guided aspect of it, and I could probably just ask someone to act as an academic advisor if I wanted. truthfully the act of studying for studying sake is so peaceful, I'm learning to be more inclined to spend time with a book or researching something that's interesting over like, scrolling. once I realized how bullshit the scroll loop was something snapped, I do genuinely think it came from tiktok being a shameless shill for 45 as soon as the ban was lifted. lots of things like that. you do have to let yourself wallow, I guess, and get a little sick of your own whinging before you can truly change. like, my life looks so different from how it did last year, five years ago, even ten years ago, let alone from when I was a teenager. on the one hand, yeah, we made it—we're alive and we have the life we dreamed of. but our dreams are bigger, now, too. there's a comfort there, and a sorrow. could we ever be satisfied? should we stop? no, I don't think so.

currently vibrating with excitement—this song is going platinum in my headphones today for obvious reasons. added some pictures I took recently to my photography page and made the jump from neocities to nekoweb. I just am so sick of the ai grift (and it is a grift, when it comes to llms) and kinda happy to be paying a couple bucks less for the premium tier. there are other benefits, like the editor and being able to easily update on mobile with FTP. someday I'll get the hang of RSS-style blogging, and eventually upgrade this page, but I think that's a weekend project that I'll really need to dig into. in other news, I do feel like I have a story worth writing. something I need to say to myself, in a way, something earnest, something that's going to be a bit painful to work through. but I feel I must do it. it's nearly bursting, this story, and I feel I must tell it.

sometimes I like to imagine that, instead of dying young and asking the universe for xx more years, that I asked to be sent back—say I made it to 90 and wanted to live from 30 onward, just once more. after that I become utterly paralyzed by the passage of time. so it doesn't always work. but lately I've been thinking about it a lot; is what I'm doing now how I want to spend the rest of it? the time I have? maybe it's a morbid way to look at things. I do feel like I've just been ambling forward. and I don't quite know what I can do about it. I still need to work, I still need to eat, I still need to take care of this organic unit called my body. but that's all I can do. right now, anyway. and I keep thinking, also, mistakenly, about people around my age who've ~made it~ and something crumbles inside me. it hasn't stopped crumbling, actually, for the last few months. I am rambling now but how do you do something more, something you know you have to do when there's this aching emptiness deep within you? I don't have the answer. I may never. maybe I'm thinking of all the wrong things. and maybe I just need a fucking break.

instituting strict ~writer hours~ for myself because I do really need to get in the habit of doing it regularly, as I've done with so many other habits as of late.
in other news, picked up an embroidery project I've had on the backburner for the longest time. adding a few runes to my daily bag. I have a love-hate relationship with embroidering kanken backpacks, and this time I thought it would look cool to use metallic thread. this is a nightmare. the details of the lettering require a single strand, which I have to condition, and my water-soluble template is peeling up from the pocket because the adhesive isn't agreeing with it
this project is so tedious, I can't imagine doing this on a larger scale... with satin stitch? on a six inch hoop? I understand why it takes forever (my fingers and shoulders are SORE) and man it takes such skill and dedication. but I want it. I want this thing to exist. and so I'll make it, with my own two hands.

today's just going to be a long day of doing things I've been putting off forever. a good deep clean, taxes, catching up on laundry. at least I'll be able to relax by the end of it

moved a few pages around, nested some others, things like that. the index was starting to get quite cluttered and I like how it feels much more now. updated to a color scheme I personally like a lot more (digital fractal my beloved) and updated my button to match. the values are stored in variables so they're easy enough to change.
will be getting out of the apartment today, thankfully, and walking around the town center with my sister while she walks her dog. as for this weekend? organizing, downsizing, and altogether decluttering because I feel quite gross with the amount of stuff I've accumulated as of late.
I have been trying to be more intentional about things, and I'm realizing that a lot of hobbies that I had in the past (namely: bullet journaling) became really overblown. even things I like to have on hand, I'd rather get a better model and have a dedicated space for it. which is. not what I have currently.

finally finished my favorites page, working on my vinyl/CD/cassette collection log, and added a couple entries to the media log. when I'm done with this phase I'm adding shrines & experimenting with different color palettes, but not with wildly different layouts. I think. also might play around with CSS/dithering filters? I dunno. in an experimental phase. learning things. trying stuff out.

expect... a few more updates as I build this thing out. sorry if I end up spamming the neocities activity feed, lol.
update 7:40p, guestbook now fully functional! drop a line if you want. I also keep making & remaking a site map... I don't wanna do it lmaooo you can get to most of the pages from the index bye

got the strongest urge to make my site a bit neater/easier to navigate and overall much more simple. really proud of the blog section (this page!) especially—I'm so glad I didn't have to wrangle javascript for these accordions. I also wanted to work in some dithering/pixelated images and stick to a consistent color palette, broke out resources into their own page... I'm just so happy w my site as it is rn. this has become a really comforting creative outlet and I'm glad to have it
addition, shortly after: holy shit I'm tired but the new version is live. it's past midnight. I've been working in silence for an hour. wildly thirsty. inside of my mouth tastes bad but if I brush my teeth now I won't be able to drink for a half hour. what a struggle

tonight has been migrating over to fastmail (it is a paid email client but the features... oh, the features. I was in the dark ages before this), I wrote my 1000 words, and Tesla managed to put the entire weight of the sun onto two of my ribs. how so much pressure is contained in her lil paws, I'll never know.
writing-wise I think I'm uncovering the story. I'm reading 1000 Words by Jami Attenburg and I feel seen as a writer, honestly. it's been really influential in the whole "give yourself permission and treat this as sacred" and "fiction isn't inherently less ~intellectual~ than nonfiction" aspects which I've been struggling with.
happy to say that work is just fine. and it is just that—work. and I have a pretty well-rounded life outside of that ♥

turning my interests page into more of a media log. for now it's just got albums on it (it's late and I want to sleep plus I do not feel like tracking down book/album/game covers and movie posters for like, three dozen things right now) with my "honorable mentions" as far as everything else goes.
also been taking more time offline to read & write and it's nice. I think soon enough I'll be physically unable to contain the story I want to write. it's brewing. bubbling, even, just beneath the surface. I'm connecting dots! I'm writing fleeting ideas down!
and I have also fully detached my worth & measure of success from office work at this point. like. within the context of so many things I've been piecing together recently... it's there. it'll be there when I log in every morning. at this point I need to slow down, to take care of my mind, to remind myself that it will go on without me and my only aim is to do what I can in the time that I'm given. no more, no less. and if things start getting pushed past deadlines, well... maybe that's a sign that this is a job for more than one person. and I'm not going to stress about it, or other departments, more than I have to. okay !! bye :)

now that I have some semblance of my old routine again it's like my brain just. decided to stop misbehaving. nice.
anyway I've finally set up scrivener ⇆ obsidian sync so I can work on my writing when I can't access my computer and you know?? I wrote a good chunk yesterday/today so it can't be all bad. thinking more about making zines and such, learning an art form, et cetera. might be good for me. oh wait I'm having Ideas. maybe I could embroider the imagery and put text around it after it's been scanned..... yes. (imagine the sickos guy here)
and finally started working on a lil presentation/workshop I wanna host about neocities and owning your web presence in general. one too many of my friends have made wix/squarespace sites :')

I hate that I can feel my brain short-circuiting! I hate that I need ritalin to function & keep my anger in check! my brain is wired (badly) and my body is numb and my routine is fucked and I can't even sleep regular hours anymore what do I DO with myself aside from Endure this and avoid being just. a heavy, wet blanket
ik making small mistakes at work (esp when stressed) isn't like, the end of the world, but goddamn I wish I would be left alone for a couple weeks to just. reset the ballasts. I don't need time off I need extended leave but I'm worried I'll get used to not working and then not be able to go back to a office job ever :') what the fuck. do real people have these concerns? because it's been the singular undercurrent of my thoughts and waking actions for... well. since I can remember.

adding a resources section under my interests—I have a few projects I've kept on the backburner for a while & maybe I should actually get around to. you know. working on them. I really need stuff I can chew on, and I do need to be gentler with myself in realizing that these things do take time. it takes more than a single instant to make something worthwhile, especially if it's going to have any significant weight to it. I'd also like to have some actual stuff to put on my itch.io?? still need to work on making that look nice, but maybe I will after it has some meat. for now: writing, making zines, learning to code in some real capacity. not that all of this (gestures widely) isn't coding, but my skills are significantly limited by being so hesitant to pick up javascript.

might start offering tarot readings (choose between 1-3 cards or a more personalized spread) on my ko-fi, which I remembered existed and haven't touched in at least three years. I'm really enjoying doing readings—been doing them for friends here and there so some success so I may as well open it up. just need to get some pics together for the listings (I will do this eventually I swear) and actually list them in my shop, then it's golden. anyway. it all goes towards 1) a new car and 2) paying down some debts. will definitely update this site once they're ready. and honestly, I think I may need to move my social links into the footer instead of having them up top. such is the nature of an evolving website!! and having total control of it <3

added a few pages: tarot readings and collected works as I aim to embrace my more creative tendencies and actually work on making zines/prints/what-have-you. a friend of mine passed on a small-vendor market that I'm aiming to table at this year, fingers crossed! very poetic, for me in particular—I remember getting the chance to table at a con years back and pulled out at the last moment because I felt just so much pressure to write, bind the actual book, the whole thing. but I think now that I've dabbled in smaller-stakes publishing (or at least spent some *actual* time learning about it instead of assuming the Traditional way to do things was the only way) I feel much more ready to take it on. I'm also on a tear at the moment to build up an actual savings and fund a long sabbatical. I know it's not ideal but I feel like I am truly burning myself out at every turn and don't know what else to do. but for now. I have stability and if I can make it work ie. distancing myself from being so damn emotional about work itself, then it'll be an easier transition to whatever else comes down the line.

so you might notice that the site looks a little different...... I wanted to have a larger text area & a bit more space to play, I guess, with navigtation and etc. I also I wanted a bit more of a cohesive/one-column deal which I'm liking quite a bit! monochrome-ish, pretty standard, kinda plain with some cryptic/non-alphabet text sprinkled in. I like it.
on top of everything else happening, I just got back from a week in London and I've felt the most profound sense of unease. like, I've been weeping at the slightest provocation and utterly tired. don't know what I'm going to do about it. there's a weird tightness—maybe hollowness is a better term—in my chest that I can't seem to get rid of.
anyway. more substack stuff coming soon. planning to dabble in making and distributing zines. slowly but surely. as it goes.

okay first things first... dropout improv whipped so much ass. I was genuinely laughing from the time the show started until well after its end. I wish I could describe its funniest bits but there are just so many. and honestly? it was great to see some of my favorite comedians in real life.
in other news: I've started packing for my trip and I've gotten a friend into neocities! perhaps flirting with the idea of starting a webring, suggested by another friend, but we wouldn't know what to call it. no rush, I suppose.
oh yeah—the changes to the site. there's a mobile site, now, considering I keep an nfc tag in my locket that directs people to here. would be nice if they could actually read the site. if you're curious, or just want to browse, here's the link. be warned: it looks like ass on desktop. I'm toying around with a different color scheme, though I think I may just paletteswap it with the one I use here. and uh. I guess that's it! working happily on my writing, genuinely hoping that someday, in time, it'll be a real thing. a paid thing. a job thing. career? it feels weird to think of it that way. I just want to make my art and survive instead of putting so much brainpower towards the paycheck-thing so that I can do the worthwhile-thing. there's a substack post in here somewhere, I can feel it

removed links to encountering the anomaly for now—I want to rework it and make it more of a true supplement to the story I'm working on. eventually it'll become a novella-size, arg-style thing that you can browse alongside the story. published somewhere. I really don't know! having this site has really gotten me thinking about how to make more multimedia art & I'm really not upset about it. god, I missed old web design so much and I didn't even realize it slipped away so quickly in favor of sleek, same-y websites.

added a new page! a while back I saw a street interview where a woman was asked what she'd do as a dream career; she said she had the degrees to become a museum curator but not the experience. the interviewer asked why she hadn't given herself the permission to do it: started her own newsletter or website where she did just that. pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps attitude aside, it stuck with me. I've been thinking about different ways to do it, either through substack or a tumblr blog but I think placing it here is just fine, too. it's more... mine, I suppose, that way. I made the website, I curate the exhibit, and you're welcome to browse. :)
in more personal updates, I had lunch and coffee with a friend who I hadn't seen in too long, and had a delicious cauliflower-garlic-cheddar soup for dinner with sourdough croutons. I'm starting to sketch architectural studies of buildings I find interesting. I dunno—being off tiktok and social media in general has really helped with me being more creative. it feels nice. like a return to my true self. much to unpack there.

been trying to beat back the ~sunday scaries~ with sessions of self-guided study where I go to a large library (bpl) and browse the stacks, picking out something I like and just flipping through. learned about the nettime collective, and how it was one of the defining things for early web & digital art in the 90s.
also looked through two books of Nam June Paik's work, which I've always been enamored with! I love digital sculpture so much. it was so nice to take my time with it & think about the process behind the pieces, especially some of the installations he's done.
and finally - I'm learning to use scrivener at its full potential! the corkboard feature is honestly so powerful & I can't believe I ignored it in favor of keeping notes on the chapters themselves. learning to work in a nonlinear fashion for writing fiction (outlining & writing as I please) has been a real game changer.

lots of little additions to the site! status box, the blinkie collection (it will grow), and links for a webring (ghostring) app. also: working on a creative writing project I've had kicking around for a couple months.
it'll definitely be a published thing at some point, the web project is more of a supplemental and an exercise in doing mixed media/ARG-type extra content.

pro tip, throw your delivery meal in the toaster oven when it gets to your place. warms it up and makes it all toasty. not really thinking about doing much tonight but tomorrow I'll prob be out most of the day just to give myself a change of scenery & write somewhere that's not my apartment. on that front: glad I started listening to the magnus archives. still workshopping a few things. but it's going well. it's all coming together :)

New layout & some widgets! Liking the overall look of things, it's mine and not based on any one template (def inspired by a few other sites I've seen though) and I'm super proud of it so far. (✿◡‿◡) I should definitely switch things over to a private repository. I know everyone's going to be able to see this anyway, but it might be better just in practice. Also tried my hand at an Idle Game Maker game—a simple one, just to fuck around with it. Based on the Discord bot Mudae's kakera (point) system, to honor the patron gods that have gained some notoriety among us.

If you're seeing this, then the ruby gem works! No idea what went wrong with the Github action.
In other news, the Discord server's JPEG trading card game has developed a pantheon. May The Giant Rat Who Makes All of the Rules, Monkey Blue, and Uta bless our rolls.

That's all.
Aside: damn, Neocities whips. This shit is fun as hell.

Hey so does anyone know why we're working so hard? Like genuinely, what are we doing all of this for?

The cream rises to the top. Waiting on a delivery, attending a belated Christmas party.

None of the Taco Bells around me will deliver, and I can't order the nuggets from the ones that do deliver.

Finally got around to setting up this page! Figured it may be nice to have an old-school blog that's a bit more lowkey than a Substack post. And, frankly, I'm enamored with the ways that the old internet (per se) is creeping back into the mainstream. Delightful to see—excited to be a part of it.