took maybe a week (? longer?) of a break from writing & it was honestly quite nice, I feel refreshed and ready to continue on A Project instead of forcing something to stick. I've been trying to get in the habit of listening to my subconscious when it gives me ideas, a practice that was brought to my attention by someone on substack who'd gotten it from another writer—unfortunately despite my efforts it eludes me.
regardless, the practice is supposed to encourage your subconscious to give you more, and better, ideas and prompts over time. get out a single note, somewhere you won't lose it, and stick every idea that floats through in it. catalog them, keep them, write them down. thank yourself for the idea, move on. if it comes to fruition, then it does... if it doesn't, then you've done something in trusting yourself enough to create.
anyway here's the result of that, a meagre half hour old at time of writing, but I can sense something powerful in it.
at least I think that's the intent of the process. it's how it's working for me. as I level out between periods of depression and mania (I have no idea what's going on there, don't ask) I find I pay attention to myself more and it is nice.
as I grow older, staring down the barrel of 31, I find I am caring less. it's the thing I joked about to my friends mere days after my 30th. but it's true. I don't really care about anyone's opinion on my life unless they're supporting me financially or emotionally. it's so important to internalize that not everyone's opinion matters. not everyone's input is helpful. and you shouldn't wait until people leave your life to start living it.
this is partially about my mom and the fact that she doesn't know I have tattoos yet (something something I've devalued myself, as if she's still trying to marry me off [has a spouse] or parade me around as a testament to her raising me "right") and also partially about my dad acting like an ass in public. (no nuance there. the man is straight up mean and tries to start fights with like, the 16-year-old serving his food.) truthfully, it's more about me learning to be ok with their disapproval of me. the disapproval goes both ways, let's say. but also it's about embracing my weird, cringe (affectionate) self for who I actually am!