...

doing something different here and writing over a longer period of time as opposed to putting down some thoughts for a few minutes. things just keep happening, man, and I tire of it.

all I'd like to do at this point is scream into the void. I can't stand pushing the boulder up the hill every day, on top of a waning (we didn't have much to begin with) class consciousness and community mindset. but I'll keep being kind. I'm not taking shit anymore—I really am not going to give anyone the satisfaction of having me be afraid of them. I am anxious, yes, about plenty. but I'm not really afraid. I am angry. a deep-seated, white-hot, incandescent rage I haven't harbored since I was a teenager.

and in a way it does feel good. I know I've finally gotten to a point where I simply cannot take it, and I see a clear path. now, though, I know I'll be around to enact it. I may be veering into delusion territory, but a bit is healthy. you can't have bigger dreams while believing everything will stay the same. I don't know. I do know I'll be alive to see it through. I do know I have to do it. for myself, because not doing so is betraying a core part of me I'm still uncovering. strange, swirling thoughts around this upcoming decade in my life, for sure.

I had started a whole post about AI slop and then scrapped it. point being, if I'm not going to be given the time and reasonable expectation of making something worth reading, I'm not going to spend any real time writing or crafting it. it's not a personal thing, it's a one-sided fight against a multibillion dollar industry that has nothing better to do.

also still thinking of my parents, I suppose. the main thing being that I don't want to wait for them to pass to start living. staring down that metaphorical shotgun, you know? I saw myself in 30, 40 years still vying for their approval and I despised it. so I'm doing something about it. in getting tattoos and piercings, yes, but also in the sense that I'm done hiding my happiest self from them.

and in happier news I bought tickets to go see Spiritbox. standing room only, obstructed view, but I'm going and I'm so excited. happy to discover a band and have their tour line up with the height of my interest. unfortunately I missed it by a few months with Sleep Token, but not with Spiritbox thankfully. anyway. this is getting long and I've prattled on enough, I could be drafting instead.